Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconchouchettepeluchette: More from ChouchettePeluchette


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
February 6, 2011
File Size
655 bytes
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
238
Favourites
11 (who?)
Comments
16
Downloads
4
×
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Inhale. Hold your breath. Exhale.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Inhale. Hold your breath. Exhale. Eyes focused on his chest.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Hands crossed as if you were praying.

Inhale. Hold your breath. Pinch his nose. Lock lips. Exhale.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. "Don't give up on me now!" Dizzy feeling.

Inhale. A tear falls. Hold your breath. Muffled cry. Exhale.

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Shoulders in agony."Please! Breathe!"
Written for 100 themes challenge. Variation 2 challenge 10.

Please tell me your thoughts on this piece.

Cheers!

Thama
Add a Comment:
 
:iconbloodmoonequinox:
BloodMoonEquinox Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2011  Student General Artist
Hi there! :)
This has been featured here: [link] Happy holidays!
:iconreindeerla:
Reply
:iconkittiasher:
kittiasher Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011
Oh, wow.... this is awesome!!! I was so not expecting the ending!!! Incredible!!! Love-love-love it! At first I had an image of a young couple in a yoga class or something, and she leaned over and kissed him, but then-BAM!!! An NDE!!!! Awesome!
Reply
:iconchouchettepeluchette:
ChouchettePeluchette Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thanks!

Glad yopu like it!

It seems I'm starting to have this tendency where I finish my stories with a twist....

Must be my mind....^^

Maybe I just like suspense too much...

Cheers!

Thama
Reply
:iconkittiasher:
kittiasher Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011
I like the twist-effect myself. Several of my poems have it. Maybe we're having a writer's-phase or something.
Reply
:iconchouchettepeluchette:
ChouchettePeluchette Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Probably.

Just did another one with memory....

Hope you'll like my take on it.

cheers!

Thama
Reply
:iconcommonstrosity:
commonstrosity Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011
:P I like how all of the sentences are short, and how you split it into many little 'paragraphs' - I think that adds to the feel...like, makes it a little more ...fragmented, and...focused. Like the speaker at teh end would be.
Reply
:iconchouchettepeluchette:
ChouchettePeluchette Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
You nailed it.

I wrote it from her point of view, as if detached and focused on the tast at hand in order not to just go into panic. I'm happy that you managed to feel that form your reading!

Cheers!

Thama
Reply
:iconcommonstrosity:
commonstrosity Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011
Yay nailing! (:
Reply
:iconchouchettepeluchette:
ChouchettePeluchette Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Yay! Glad I made you Yay!
Reply
:icontynewatson:
tynewatson Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. Really good Missus, really really good! I'm still stuck :/ I'll get there in the end. (Although, just to let you know, once again we've both had the same idea and I'm thinking something CPRish too.)

Fantastic piece.

Tyne
x
Reply
Add a Comment: